Ain't Never Been Plugged!

11. The Battle of Trenton

Also "Rocking the Boat", track 3

by Mike Agranoff
1985 Mike Agranoff

Vocal: Mike Agranoff

Ya t'inks ya knows all about hist'ry. Ya loined all dat stuff back in school.
Well, dem bookwoims, dey don't know nuttin. An' if ya t'inks dey do, youse a fool!
I'll tell youse how it all happened, when me and George Washington saw
How ta cross da Delaware River, an' toin da tide of da war!

It was comin' up right around Christmas, da year 1776
An' us glorious Patriot army, we was all in a terrible fix.
We'd been chased all da way down t'rough Joisey, an' we found ourselves (Would ya believe?)
Cross da Delaware River from Trenton, which is no place to spend Christmas Eve.

But we figgured we'd have us a party, what wid da long weekend and all.
We'd get us some chips an' a six-pack, an' have us a regular ball.
So we sent Colonal Knox to da Pathmark to pick up da pretzels and brew.
But da Pathmark was closed 'count of Christmas! Says George, "Now wadda we do?"

Charlie Lee says, "D'jya try Philadelphia?" Says George, "Are youse outa your head?
Nuttin' happens in Philly da rest of da year. On Christmas, it's gonna be dead!"
We wuz all set to give up an' watch football, when I gets me dis brilliant idear:
Da Hessians is over in Trenton. D'ey're German. Dey gotta have beer!

Well we all looked around at each other, made a mad dash to put on hats an' coats.
Went chargin' out in da snowdrifts yellin', "To Trenton, men! Head fer da boats!"
Da vision of imported brewski brought a smile to old George's face
As he lead us to Washington's Crossing...which seemed an appropriate place.

We set off in dese leaky old rowboats dat we rented fer two dollars cash.
George was half in da bag when we started. He was general. He had his own stash.
He stands up like some freakin' statue in his tricorn hat and blue coat,
Shoutin' "Onward! To Trenton an' vict'ry!!" "Siddown, George, yer rockin' da boat!"

It musta been zero dark thirty by da time we all got acrost.
So George leads us Eastward to Trenton...which was South of us. So we got lost.
So we stops at dis all night Sunoco. "Which way ta Trenton? How far?"
"Hang a right at da Seven-Eleven. Eight traffic lights...d'ere you are."

It was dawn when we got to da city. Rang da doorbell outside da wall.
An' whose face should appear at da peephole? Da boss Goiman himself: Coinal Rall.
"Who's d'ere at d'is hour of da mornin? Waddare you guys doin' here?"
"We hoid youse was havin' a party, an' we thought we could borrow some beer!"

Rall was not in da mood to be generous. He had a head just like a balloon.
D'ey'd been all getting shitfaced* on Pilzner since four o'clock last afternoon.
So he told us some bad t'ings in Goiman. Slammed the door in our face where we stood.
So we lets go wid' our cannon, figure to do his hangover some good.

Well, Rall gets together his troopers. At least dems he can get outa bed
With one hand wavin' his saber, and da other hand holdin' his head.
As for us, we'd been marchin' since nightfall till we was all weak in da knees
An' we haddn't seen booze since T'anksgivin', an' half of us had da DT's.

So oh, what a terrible battle! Oh, what a pitiful sight!
Da Goimans so tight dat d'ey couldn't shoot straight, us so straight d'at we couldn't shoot right!
So we filled all da fenceposts wid bullets, an' we filled all da mornin' wid smoke,
An' we fired off cannon an' musket till every last window in Trenton was broke!

When suddenly, down from da courthouse our guys lets go dis big cheer!
Wid heroic effort in battle d'ey'd seized da entire resoives of d'eir beer!
An' dat broke da will of da Hessians, an' back to New York d'ey went creepin'.
'Cause once ya run outa brewski, d'ere ain't nuttin' in Trenton woith keepin'.

An' dat was da very beginnin': when da Goimans all cried, "Das ist alles!"
Of da British revoisal dat ended in Yorktown with General Cornwallis.
An' we t'rew us a bender dat lasted well inta sometime next year
Floatin' up to our eyeballs in gallons o' good Goiman beer!

* I bowdlerized "shitfaced" to "pie-eyed" for the recording in deference to the FCC